I had spent some time last night searching ‘Elliptical Machine Training for Beginners Who Are Fat’ while I noshed on my low-fat, low-calorie, low-taste organic granola bar. I was proud to show off the new skills I had learned via Goggle’s search engine to another gym rat who was also burning the calories this morning. As I attempted to discuss the merits of different levels, the bottle blond rolled her eyes at me and moved to a machine further away from me. Whatever, I thought to myself as I pushed my sweatband up my forehead and put the buds to my iPod to my ears so I could listen to ‘Mickey’ by Toni Basil. That crazy bitch just didn’t realize how cool I am. She wishes she could be as epic as me.
After the 30 minutes of torture, I stumbled into my apartment and collapsed on my couch, disregarding the fact that I was covered in a sheen of my own sweat. I pushed my falling glasses up the slope of my damp and oily nose and my eyes honed in on the smiley faced Jack O Lantern candy dish sitting on the entertainment center. Don't ask why I have a Halloween dish out in August. I can't tell you. Anyway, I quickly averted my gaze of longing and instead tried to focus on getting my breathing to a regular pace. My eyes wandered back to the candy dish. Damn that pumpkin. His smile was mocking me. I could hear the Snickers bars that I had stuffed inside three days ago calling my name.
Beckie…Beckie…
I rose from my seat, leaving a wet spot in my wake, and started to close the distance to the candy jar. I stopped myself and thought “I don’t need this. Hmm. I wonder, what would TayLau do?” So instead of eating a candy dish full of Snickers, I drank a half gallon of water, did some karate kicks, injured myself while trying to stand on my hands, and watched his New Moon preview, so I could get some hints on how to brag about my 30 pound weight difference.
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