SlimFast has been purchased. Celery stalks have been washed and precut. Gallons of water are ready for the drinking. I went to the gym at my apartment complex and stood my tech-tarded ass there for about five minutes, overwhelmed by the machines and all their buttons. After giving myself a mental peptalk, I made myself put on my size 5 (all right, all right, my size 7) big girl panties and stepped on the “low impact” elliptical.
“Start moving for Quick Start,” it said. More like “Start moving to commence death.” About 3 minutes in I wondered why exactly I was doing this, because no sane person would put herself through this. Decided “screw this” and flipped open my cell for the Wok and Roll Chinese takeout that is my speed dial 7, wondering if I could time I just right to arrive home as the food arrived. As I flipped open the phone, I rested my eyes on a picture of a certain half-naked eighteen year old that I have as my wallpaper background. This induced fantasies involving said eighteen year old and I lost myself for a moment, causing myself to fall off the satanic elliptical.
I regained my composure, set the machine to an acceptable setting and went on. Sweat poured down my determined face, pit stains marked my shirt, but I continued on, until my thighs had created so much friction that a small fire had started in the crotch of my pants. As I put the fire out with my Life is Good water bottle and took a swig of the remaining aqua, I checked my workout summary, pleased to see I had endured 30 minutes of fat burning and heart attack inducing exercise.
Headed home to shower off, was tempted by unsupportive husband by the three evils Cs: Chinese, Chocolate and Chicken Fried Chicken. Was able to overcome temptation, so all in all, I chalked the day up to a success.
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